My Stained-Glass Window Life

Last year started off as a really great year for me. I had a life that I could find joy, hope, purpose, and strength in. I shoved any difficult emotions, wounds,  struggles, imperfections, and weaknesses deep within myself and I left them there for the majority of the year...I didn't know what would happen if I let them surface and the unknown terrified me. I ignored the things I couldn't handle and I wouldn't accept that they were even there. From the outside looking in my life looked like a beautiful and flawless stained glass window...But the thing about stained glass windows is you can't see what's beyond them...


I hid behind my pretty little stained-glass-window life until someone threw a stone (Metaphorically speaking.) that crashed right through it and, before I had time to repair the damage, it all shattered. The broken pieces of my pretty little life cut me deep as they fell to the floor. Suddenly, there was nothing left to hide behind. Somehow in the time frame of about three weeks everything I had shoved deep within myself surfaced and everything I called my life was lost in one way or another. Every single day brought a new challenge and a new heartache. I learned never to say, "This just can't get any worse..." because it always does. What I once called my life became a memory that I couldn't bring back to reality -no matter how hard I tried- the damage just wasn't repairable. Everything that once brought me joy suddenly only brought unbearable heartache. My life shattered and fell apart, and with it so did I. Nothing really mattered to me anymore; my only concern was finding a way to make it through one minute at a time. 


I had always wondered what it would be like to lose the facade, but I never had the courage to find out. Yet in the midst of my absolute brokenness I didn't even care what people thought. When people asked me how I was doing I didn't plaster the cheesy smile on my face and say "I'm doing great!"; for once I was honest. Only a few people knew the depth of what I was going through, but everyone knew I was going through something. Everyone could see I wasn't my typical bubbly self. I even fell apart in front of so many people. Your girl was wide-open. Tears came when I least expected them-actually, the tears never really stopped-they were always there just waiting for something to trigger their downpour...I expected everyone to say, "Stop crying, get over it, and move on." I expected people to throw my own words back in my face, "Life is how you look at it and how you look at it is a choice." I expected people to call me weak and pathetic. Honestly, quite a few people did exactly what I expected them to...But the people that mattered were the ones who held me as I fell to pieces and told me it was okay. People would say, "You've been through so much, so fast, it's completely understandable for you to be struggling with it all." I couldn't even wrap my mind around that concept. 


One night I was sobbing in my Moms arms telling her that I hated how broken I was, but no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't fix anything. I told her how frustrated I was that I couldn't just push past all of it and move on. I told her how disappointed I was in myself for not being able to snap out of the desolate, depressing state I was in. She let me get everything out and then she said, "Christie, some things only time can fix....It's okay to admit you're broken and wounded, anyone in your shoes would be. It's okay to cry and fall apart. No one expects you to be strong right now. You've been through so much. You need time to heal and work through all this. No one is going to look down on you for that." I couldn't believe she said that to me. In my mind, I was supposed to be the unshakable little Christian girl. God was supposed to be my solid, unshakable foundation; didn't falling apart mean He wasn't doing His job? Would people watching me fall apart think it was because my God wasn't faithful? As a Christian I was supposed to be representing God...How could it possibly be okay to fall apart, admit I'm broken, and give myself time to heal? What kind of example would my life be? An example of brokenness? How was that "okay"? I didn't understand.


I so wanted to be strong and show that even in the midst of my broken life God was still good, faithful, and in control. I wanted to be able to say it didn't hurt and I wasn't struggling...But I just couldn't. I was hurting and struggling. Everyone who saw me could see it. 


One day I just happened to open my Bible to Ecclesiastes 3, and here's what I read:

   1 There is a time for everything, 

   and a season for every activity under the heavens:

   2 a time to be born and a time to die, 

   a time to plant and a time to uproot, 

   3 a time to kill and a time to heal, 

   a time to tear down and a time to build, 

   4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, 

   a time to mourn and a time to dance, 

   5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, 

   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, 

   6 a time to search and a time to give up, 

   a time to keep and a time to throw away, 

   7 a time to tear and a time to mend, 

   a time to be silent and a time to speak, 

   8 a time to love and a time to hate, 

   a time for war and a time for peace.

Here I'm reading that there's a time to heal, to weep, to mourn, and to mend. Could that really be true? Is it possible that it's not only okay but there's even a time for each of those things?

Yes. In time I discovered that there really is a time for everything...

During that horrible season in my life I began to realize that in order to be a Christian I don't always have to "have it all together". Fact is, life isn't perfect, people mess up, evil exists, sin is inevitable, some things are hard, and some things hurt. By denying, ignoring, and hiding all those facts what kind of example was I portraying? That I'm just another fake, hypocritical Christian? I don't want to be like that.

With God's unfailing love and faithfulness I'm finding the strength to accept that my wounds, shortcomings, struggles, and weaknesses are there, and I'm learning how to deal with them-rather than ignore them. I can't help but think this is how it's supposed to be...

Time is really the only distance I have between myself and the terrible, broken state I was in...Honestly my life still looks a lot like a pile of shattered glass, and there are days it still hurts. But God is so good, He is faithful, He has an incredible plan, He's never left me, and at the end of the day He's all I need. 

In the last eight months of my life, through all my brokenness, I can see that God was there and He was working in the midst of it all. "All things work together for good." For some reason I had always assumed that "all" things only meant the "good" and the "pretty" things...But the past eight months of my life are a perfect example that God can use the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful.

Somewhere in the past eight months I stopped trying to deny and hide all the ugliness in my life; it was only then -when I accepted it- that God was able to begin turning it into beauty...Looking back now, I can see a lot of beauty...

Wow. Crazy how God can turn something wrong into something so right...I'd be crazy to try to deny or hide that fact. 

God is healing in my brokenness,

and strength in my weakness.

He is beauty in my imperfections,

and joy in my sorrow.

He is comfort in my struggles,

and peace in my storms.

I've come to need Him in ways I've never let myself need Him before....I can honestly say that God is my everything. 

My life is a pile of shattered glass that I can't fix, and I'm not afraid to admit it, because God can bring good from it.

No more facades. No more stained glass windows. No more trying to be perfect. No more hiding. 

I am just a simple human, weak, and sinful girl...But it's really not about me. It really never has been. 

From now on I'm gonna let God use the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful in my life. I'm gonna let Him be His perfect, incredible self and when people point to me I'm going to point them to Him. I am not going to even try to live up to some crazy standard of perfection. I. am. not. perfect. 

It's just too bad that God had to shake me...So greatly...In order to make me see...In order to change me. But what matters is that I see now...I have been radically changed, and I am never going back...

Standard of Perfection

So I’m on this challenge to overcome whatever fears and facades I may have and just be real, but I haven’t always been here. In fact, this is a first for me. I guess I should give you a little bit of background and tell you a little bit about myself. So here goes…

When I was three or four I gave my heart to Jesus, and I’ve been passionately pursing Him ever since. I’m no better than anybody else, I never have been and I never will be, but I strive to be everything the Bible says I’m supposed to be - I always have. I set myself up to some pretty high expectations at a very young age. Even as a little girl I was all about God and more than anything I wanted Him to be pleased with me. As I’ve grown up I have tried my best to be my best…I wasn’t trying to be perfect, I know I could never be, but-in my opinion-God at least deserved my best. The unfortunate thing is that somehow people started to view me as practically “perfect” and they expected nothing less from me. Parents/church leaders expected me to be the perfect friend, role model, and leader for their kids/teens. If I was ever anything less than that, I was often called out, condemned, and corrected. Friends and family held me to a high standard too (Which is honestly my own fault. They held me to the same standard I somewhat held myself.), and they were quick to correct or -should I say- “instruct” me. I appreciate people trying to keep me accountable, but sometimes people did so in such a way that cut deep and left open wounds. I won’t tell you what people have said to me - it really doesn’t matter. The point is my desire and passion to live for Christ soon became an expectation, which very quickly became a burden. I was expected to be everything I was only trying to be. I was both loved and hated. My every move was watched, picked apart, judged, and criticized. Some people were just ruthless.

I’m not sure when it happened, but I let myself be convinced that I had to be perfect. I didn’t feel like I was allowed to struggle, make mistakes, get distracted, or hurt. Honestly, I always felt like I wasn’t allowed to be a person. There were so many people looking up to me, I had to always have it all together. I couldn’t be real - that just wasn’t allowed. That’s when I got my façade. I became the girl everyone viewed as strong, happy, and capable. I went through difficult things like everyone else did, but I handled my business with a smile on my face. I never lost my “life is how you look at it” perspective. I never dropped the façade that said, “Even though I’m going through it, I’ve still got it all together. My joy, faith, peace, and strength is unshakeable. I’m dancing in the storms.” But behind all that I didn’t have anything but my perfect little façade together. I had wounds that ran deep, burdens that were almost unbearable, and insecurities I couldn’t overcome. Many times I lost my perspective and cried myself to sleep at night - only where no one could see me. I couldn’t ever let people see that I wasn’t always happy. I suffered in silence. I hid my mistakes and shortcomings because I wasn’t allowed to mess up. I had to be the perfect example for so many people. There were a few people in my life that I could be real with, but for the most part I never dropped the facade. I’ve lived like this for years, and I’m only fifteen.

I’m not saying that my whole life has been a façade. There were many times when I did have my life together. I found joy, strength, hope, peace, and love in God, and as long as I kept my eyes on Him I didn’t have to try for the façade - it was real…But I lost focus many, many times - just like everybody does – I just couldn’t let it show.

I was stuck in this mess that I had created myself. After all, I was the one who initially wanted to set a standard for God, but I didn’t realize it would turn into all this. It’s crazy how something right can turn into something so wrong…

So how did I get to where I am now?

Well…

God had to shake me…So greatly…In order to change me.

(To be continued…)

Tired of Hiding

I’m that happy-go-lucky, roll-with-the-punches girl who seems to have it all together with a never-fading, super-cheesy smile on my face to prove it. But, truth is, I only let you see what I want you to see. Does that mean it’s a lie? No. I am very happy-go-lucky, I try my best to roll-with-the-punches, and I love to smile. But behind all that, I’m not even close to “having it all together”. I’m human just like everyone else. I have weaknesses and shortcomings. I’ve had struggles and frustrations. I’ve been hurt and I’ve been shaken. Life has been anything but easy…

Lately God has been showing me the power of just being real. None of us have lived a perfect, easy, painless, worry free life so why try to pretend we have? We all have pasts we’d like to forget, scars we’d like to remove, and wounds that still hurt. That’s a pretty grim reality right there. But you know what? It’s what links us all together. We all have that in common. We’ve all dealt with a lot of the same emotions/struggles we just got them many different ways…If we would just be real with each other I think we would find that we can all relate in so many ways. But we won’t let ourselves be real for fear of being rejected, condemned, looked down on, and ultimately left alone. But hiding who we truly are-I mean all of who we are-is no life at all. How long can we keep up only ever truly being ourselves when no one is around? Don’t you ever get tired? I know I do. I’ve decided that it’s time to let all of me show. That means the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful. I’m sure there will be people who will judge me, condemn me, be disappointed in me, reject me, walk away from me, and who knows what else…But I’ve come to a place where I’m okay with that; and it’s such a freeing place to be.

So I’m on this new challenge right now; letting people see "Through the Façade…"