Standard of Perfection

So I’m on this challenge to overcome whatever fears and facades I may have and just be real, but I haven’t always been here. In fact, this is a first for me. I guess I should give you a little bit of background and tell you a little bit about myself. So here goes…

When I was three or four I gave my heart to Jesus, and I’ve been passionately pursing Him ever since. I’m no better than anybody else, I never have been and I never will be, but I strive to be everything the Bible says I’m supposed to be - I always have. I set myself up to some pretty high expectations at a very young age. Even as a little girl I was all about God and more than anything I wanted Him to be pleased with me. As I’ve grown up I have tried my best to be my best…I wasn’t trying to be perfect, I know I could never be, but-in my opinion-God at least deserved my best. The unfortunate thing is that somehow people started to view me as practically “perfect” and they expected nothing less from me. Parents/church leaders expected me to be the perfect friend, role model, and leader for their kids/teens. If I was ever anything less than that, I was often called out, condemned, and corrected. Friends and family held me to a high standard too (Which is honestly my own fault. They held me to the same standard I somewhat held myself.), and they were quick to correct or -should I say- “instruct” me. I appreciate people trying to keep me accountable, but sometimes people did so in such a way that cut deep and left open wounds. I won’t tell you what people have said to me - it really doesn’t matter. The point is my desire and passion to live for Christ soon became an expectation, which very quickly became a burden. I was expected to be everything I was only trying to be. I was both loved and hated. My every move was watched, picked apart, judged, and criticized. Some people were just ruthless.

I’m not sure when it happened, but I let myself be convinced that I had to be perfect. I didn’t feel like I was allowed to struggle, make mistakes, get distracted, or hurt. Honestly, I always felt like I wasn’t allowed to be a person. There were so many people looking up to me, I had to always have it all together. I couldn’t be real - that just wasn’t allowed. That’s when I got my façade. I became the girl everyone viewed as strong, happy, and capable. I went through difficult things like everyone else did, but I handled my business with a smile on my face. I never lost my “life is how you look at it” perspective. I never dropped the façade that said, “Even though I’m going through it, I’ve still got it all together. My joy, faith, peace, and strength is unshakeable. I’m dancing in the storms.” But behind all that I didn’t have anything but my perfect little façade together. I had wounds that ran deep, burdens that were almost unbearable, and insecurities I couldn’t overcome. Many times I lost my perspective and cried myself to sleep at night - only where no one could see me. I couldn’t ever let people see that I wasn’t always happy. I suffered in silence. I hid my mistakes and shortcomings because I wasn’t allowed to mess up. I had to be the perfect example for so many people. There were a few people in my life that I could be real with, but for the most part I never dropped the facade. I’ve lived like this for years, and I’m only fifteen.

I’m not saying that my whole life has been a façade. There were many times when I did have my life together. I found joy, strength, hope, peace, and love in God, and as long as I kept my eyes on Him I didn’t have to try for the façade - it was real…But I lost focus many, many times - just like everybody does – I just couldn’t let it show.

I was stuck in this mess that I had created myself. After all, I was the one who initially wanted to set a standard for God, but I didn’t realize it would turn into all this. It’s crazy how something right can turn into something so wrong…

So how did I get to where I am now?

Well…

God had to shake me…So greatly…In order to change me.

(To be continued…)